This Is Almost A Contribution

The multiplex in my wife's hometown almost posted a contribution. I am not very happy with another blog, who may or may not have "borrowed" my idea, but I can't stray to far from my writing to address this offense and devote time to it. Regardless, I will be writing to a few great minds, in an effort to help get this blog some fresh blood.

Issue Number Four of Astonishing Adventures is finally here!

Click here at the Issu site, if you want to view it online.

And click here, if you want to buy a hardcopy version from Amazon.

John has also put together an AAM screensaver.

Sorry This Is The Official Cover of AAM #4

Sorry folks, this is the official cover of Issue #4 of AAM.

Of course this cover tells an entirely different story and while I'm partial to the other version, this one adds so much more.

The New Cover Of Astonishing Adventures Magazine!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been granted the privilege to bring you the cover of the Fourth Issue of Astonishing Adventures Magazine, just before it officially goes to print.

Don't you think that John Carlucci did a wonderful job? Not to mention that the rain really gives her depth and a third dimension. I know that she's only an illustration and please don't tell my wife, but I think that I'm in love.

A B.L.W. Contributor Hits The Big Time

Hey, B.L.W. contributor Katie Schwartz has been interviewed by Farmhouse Magazine, in anticpation of her soon to be released book "Emotionally Pantsed!"

Go check it out!



P.S. Don't you just love that book title?

The Third Issue of Astonishing Adventures Is Here!

The greatest pulp online magazine is back with its exciting third issue!

You can download it here at Media Fire...

Or you can read it here at Issuu.

The Twenty-Second Submissions

Becky says "how about 'The Ghost and Mr. Chicken and Mrs. Muir?' Two of my favorite movies!"

The Paper Anniversary of The Bad Lieutenant's Wife

By the time I click "publish post" on this submission, this blog will be hours short of its first birthday (and the crowd goes wild!). Who knew? I certainly didn't and the submissions that are forever on these pages, have amused, impressed, and even stupefied me in their humor and brilliance.

I salute each and every person who has submitted their take on this game and you all should pat yourself on the back. A game is only is good as its players and each of you should be tested for steroids/performance enhancing drugs...no seriously, drop this blue tablet in the toilet and fill the cup. I'll also need a hair sample and I don't want to hear any nonsense about shy kidneys.

Beware now, as this editor will get self-indulgent and pick the best of that guy Ed's submissions. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires and that guy Ed, by creating more submissions of your own-

"When Harry Met The Usual Suspects"

"National Blue Velvet"

"True Underworld Romance"

"On Any Given Girl Friday"

"Five Easy Pieces of About Schmidt"

"Goodfellas, Bad Boys And The Ugly"

"Cloverfield of Dreams"

"Play Gorillas In The Misty For Me"

"The Best Truman In Show"

"The Bourne Elf Identity"

The Twenty-first Submissions

Who's ready for more? Spot serves it up like he's at the Australian Open-

"National Velvet: Book of Secrets (A drug-addled Liz Taylor teams up with Nicholas Cage in this adventure yarn to prove that Abraham Lincoln was actually assassinated by John Wilkes Booth's horse.)"

"Juno Country For Old Men. (the new Cohen brothers movie in which a pop-culture-reference-dropping teen mom puts her stash of smack up for adoption. It's got Jason Bateman!)"

Ed tries to return the volley with-

"Half-baked, Full Frontal Double Indemnity"

"The Glass House Of Mirth"

"Boxing Helena Troy"

"The Best Truman In Show"

"Blazing And Confused Saddles"

Spot rushes the net with-

The Cohen brothers return with "There Will Be Blood Simple" This confused tribute to film noir westerns has detectives, dames, cowboys, oil, and a cameo by Frances McDormand's underpants.

And a little something for the tween crowd: "Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: War of the Worlds Concert Tour" In this remake of the classic H.G. Wells story, martians invade the east coast, only to find that they have no resistance to crappy Disneypop. For god's sake, root for the martians.

X. Dell jumps down in the court and chaos ensues-

"I Know What You Did Last Summer of Sam (Somebody spied on David Berkowitz)."

"Mr. Mari’s Little Drummer Girls (Diane Keaton stars as a drug addicted prostitute who doubles as a spy)."

"Love Finds Amos and Andrew (Andy) Hardy (Samuel L. Jackson and Mickey Rooney both get lucky).Bananas! Meatballs! Cold Turkey! (A gripping drama about a restaurant with a limited menu)."

"Get on the Short Bus (Richard Belzer and Andre Braugher enjoy an orgy en route to the Million Man March)."

(The Ed will make a few exceptions for old school pron movies, because they were technically movies released in theaters and technically, they had scripts)
"Debbie Does North Dallas Forty (In this sequel, Bambi Woods branches out to the suburbs.)."

"Bad Boys on the Side (Whoopi Goldberg and Drew Barrymore challenge Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in a contest to determine which pair can chew more scenery)."

"Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid Again (Because of hypnosis, Steve Martin can’t recall a serious fashion faux pas)"

"The Opposite of Sex and the Single Girl (A film about marriage)."

"A Repo Man for All Seasons (Harry Dean Stanton refuses to steal the popemobile despite Henry VIII’s order)."

"I Write, Therefore I Strike"

The Missus and I have worked hard to bring screenwriters, writers, as well as their friends, and family everywhere, a way to show their solidarity and support. We have a whole new section at the shop dedicated to The Great Writers' Strike of 2007-2008, with the slogan "I Write, Therefore I Strike." Doesn't that sound like something Rene would've said if he were a striking screenwriter?

Some of the clothing costs a little more because the designs are printed on both the front and the back, this is a Cafe Press expense because of the cost of printing on both sides. This was also my idea because this way the message can be seen up and down the picket line, as well as any where the writer or supporter goes.

In effort to show our solidarity, we are also offering the "Value Shirt" that Cafe Press sells AT COST.

The Twentieth Submissions

Originally I envisioned the twentieth installment to be the "Best Of, but really, shouldn't the "Best Of" installment stand on its own? Other things kept piling up and I never got around to until now, some seven months later.

The problem being that I wanted to kick this off with a bang, but double checking submissions, I hadn't realized that I had already posted them on the Nineteenth Installment. All I have left over is one meager joke that didn't pass muster and I already set today as the deadline, so...

"Hellraiser Arizona."

There it is and as I've said before when I kicked this thing off, surely you can do better and I know you can do better than that. Make me proud!


From the Editor John D. Carlucci:

"Ghost Story of O"

"Dusk to Dawn of the Dead"

"From Russia with Love Actually"

"The Legend of Hell House on Haunted Hill"

"Escape from New York Minute"

"Village of the Damned Yankees"

From Ed:

(Stallone, Denzel and Angelina in)
"The Rambo Collector"

"Cloverfield of Dreams"

"Planes, Training Day And Automobiles"

"Hope Floats The Waterboy"

"Play Gorillas In The Misty For Me"

"Legends Of The Falling Down"

"All Roustabout Eve"

"Kindergarten Copland"

"It's A Mad, Mad, Underworld!"

(Julia Roberts goes retro with)
"How To Succeed In Business Without Really Dying Young"

From the man who excels at this game, X. Dell:

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home Alone (The crew of the Enterprise abandons Captain Kirk).

Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang the Drum Slowly (Robert De Niro plays a catcher, who helps a young pitching prospect overcome his speech impediment).

Earth Girls Are Five Easy Pieces (Jeff Goldblum and Jack Nicholson compare notes).

(I love these last three! Ed.)

The Shaggy Dogma (A Disney documentary about cults).

Kentucky Fried Green Tomatoes Movie (A spoof of Kathy Bates roles).

The Prince and the Showgirl, Interrupted (Just when things were getting good).

Please welcome someone new. The Belle of Baltimore, Catherinette:

"The Man That Went Up The Notting Hill And Came Down Cold Mountain"

"Down in the Valley Girl"

"Ernest Goes to Jesus Camp"

"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"

Back comes the Editor John D. Carlucci with:

"I Was A Male War Bride of Frankenstein"

"’80 Days of Thunder in Paradise Lost in Translation"

The Best of B.L.W. Volume Two

Once again this is the "Best Of" and this time we have installments eleven through nineteen. Everybody is listed in the order they appeared, not by preference and with their best ten submissions for those installments. If there are less than ten for that person, that is because they submitted less than ten during this time period.

From Angel's Mind:

"12 Alien Monkeys" "Kiss Kiss Romeo & Bang Bang Juliet"
"Natural Born Desperado Killers"

From X Dell:

"The Urban Legend of Sleepy Hollow" "A Groundhog Day At The Races"

"And Justice For All That Jazz" "Paris, Texas Chainsaw Massacre"

"Raging Bull Durham" "The Man With The Golden Gunfight At O.K. Corral"

"To Catch A Bicycle Thief" "Dr. Strange Love Story"

"The Life of Brian's Song" "My Stepmother Is An Alien Resurrection"

From Flannery:

"The Remains of The Day The Earth Stood Still" "Cheaper By The Dirty Dozen"

"Not Without My Coal Miner's Daughter" "Howard's End Of Days"

"Remember The Clash Of The Titans" "Some Close Encounters Of The Third Kind Of Wonderful"

"The Sixth Sense And Sensibility" "Mad Dog And Blades Of Glory"

"To Sir With Love, Actually" "Murder My Sweet Home Alabama"

From Chris:

"Catch Me If You Can't Hardly Wait" "Beyond The Seabiscuit"

"Permanent Midnight Express" "A Scarface In The Crowd"

"Robocopycat" "It's Patton: The Movie"

"The X-Men's Wive's Club" "Bridget Jones's Motorcycle Diaries"

"That Thing You Xanadu" "Seven Year Samurai Itch"

From Spot:

"Live Free Or Die Fldermaus" "Police Academy 4: The Lost Patrol"

"The Omaha Beach Girls" "They Call Me Bruce Almight?"

"Joysticks Luck Club" "Surf II: Electric Boogaloo"

"Stewardess School Of Rock" "Cross My Angel Heart"

"Vice Squad Versa"

From Dr. Alistair:

"The Tears Of The Sun King" "Live And Let Die Hard"

"The Song Remains The Same Time Next Year" "The Curse Of The Count Of Montecristo"

"The Jazz Piano" "All The President's Few Good Men"

The Best Of B.L.W. Volume One

To pare all of these submission down to a "Best Of" list was easier in some aspects and harder in others. First, I thought it would be both fairer and simpler to break it down to the first ten installments of the Bad Lieutenant's Wife. Also to maintain partiality, I thought it as editor, I would not post any of my submissions.


That being said, I know that everyone is going to be upset that their favorites aren't up there. This is true of any list and I hope everyone can understand this, as taste is subjective and other than my choice in spouse? I have no taste.


Once again this is the "Best Of," installments one through ten. Everybody is listed in the order they appeared, not by preference and with their best ten submissions for those installments. If there are less than ten for that person, that is because they submitted less than ten during this time period.

From John D. Carlucci:

"Lost City of Children of Men" "Marathon Man of La Mancha" "From Russia With Love American-Style" "Dark Waterworld" "Shakespeare in Love Actually"

From Angel's Mind:

"Sky Captain Correlli And The World Of Tomorrow’s Mandolin" "Interview with Buffy The Vampire Slayer" "The Shaggy Dog Day Afternoon"

From Katie Schwartz:

"Psycho Step Monster" "The Bride of Frankenstein" + "The Green Slime" = "The Green Slime Bride of Frankenstein"

From Becky:

"Stranger Than Pulp Fiction" "Urban Midnight Cowboy Legend" "Battlefield Earth Girls are Easy" "The Madness of Curious King George" "My Big Fat Greek Wedding Crashers" "I'm Dirty Dancing As Fast As I Can" "Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventures In Babysitting" "Night of The Living Dead Poets Society" "Rain Man of LaMancha" "Escape to Brokeback Mountain ("Escape to Witch Moutain"+"Brokeback Mountain")"

From James:

"Close Encounters of Richard III" "All the President's Men in Black" "The Godfather of the Bride" "Tango and Crash"

Now, anybody who signs up as Anonymous, gets a number corresponding to the sequence that they submitted. Thus, from Anonymous #1:

"The Unbearable Lightness of Being Earnest"

From Haahnster:

"Girl Fight" + "Fight Club" = "Girl Fight Club"
"Roger & Me" + "You, Me & Dupree" = "You, Me & Roger Dupree"

From X Dell:

"Wag The Dog Day Afternoon" "To Live In Die in L.A. Story" "The Lost Weekend at Bernie's" "The Third Mandingo (Orson Wells' "The Third Man+ "Mandingo.")" "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace II Society" "Shampoo Network" "Westside Story of O" "There's Something About Mary Poppins"

From Flannery:

"Dirty Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban" "Mystic Pizza Deliverance" "Come Back To The Slaughterhouse Five And Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean" "Good Night, Nurse And Good Luck" "It Happened One Night At The Opera" "Apocalypto Now" "Raging Bullwinkle" "Honey I Blew Up The Karate Kid" "Deathwish Of A Salesman"

From Chris:

"The Forty Year Old Virgin Suicides" "Fast Times At Ridgemont High Plains Drifter" "Apocalpse Now And Then" "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner With Andre" "Throw Mamma From The Trainspotting" "Full Metal Jackass" "Innerspaceballs" "Nation Lampoon's Velvet Vacation" "Fools Rush Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade" "The Notting Hills Have Eyes"

From Coaster Punchman:

"Girls Just Wanda Whip Wall Street"

From Dead Spot On The Web:

The Remains of the Day of the Dead" "The Lost World: Gosford Park 2" "The Repo Man Who Knew Too Much" "The Blue Velveteen Rabbit" "The Great White North By Northwest"

From Amy:

"Harold and Maude go to White Palace (Harold and Maude + Harold and Kumar go to White Castle + White Palace)" "Life as a Road House (Life as a House + Road House)" "The People Under the Stairs vs Larry Flynt (The People Under the Stairs + The People vs Larry Flynt)"

From Sporting some Big Shoulders:

"Flags of Our Fathers of the Bride of Chucky" "The 40-Year Old Virgin Suicide Kings" "In the Army of Darkness Now" "Waiting for Guffman to Exhale" "Black Hawk Down By Law" "Falling Down from the Mountain" "The Last Samurai Waltz" "I Am Trying to Break Your Heart, Huckabees"